THE END IS NEAR

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Job Vacancy

 POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
 Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

  JOB DESCRIPTION:

 Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

  RESPONSIBILITIES:

BIBLE SALESMAN

A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l- like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

Daddy, It Hurts

This is A TRUE STORY AND IF YOU DON’T PASS THIS ON YOU DON’T HAVE A SOUL!!! 

My name is Chris ,
I am three,
My eyes are swollen..
I cannot see.

I must be stupid,
I must be bad,
What else could have made,
My daddy so mad?

Top Ten Excuses For Falling Asleep At Your Desk

1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

40 Years of Marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

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With no day-to-day current of shoppers you cannot have reliable everyday income.

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You can get more sales by receiving thousands of real targeted customers to see your website.

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Increase your web-site search engine rank

Showing up on search engines is one of the most critical ways to increase web-site
traffic and show your business or service to people that might be looking for your product.

Most of the major search engines use an algorithm to calculate your web-site ranks.

Search engines know the number of sites are referring to your web-site; more referrers and hits
better rank for your web-site.

Get Better Rank...

GIRLS: What were They Thinking?

When a GIRL is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind. 

When a GIRL is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.

When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around.

Mental Feng Shui: Lotus Touts

 There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious .. This Lotus Touts is from the Anthony Robbins organization . It has been sent around the world ten times so far .

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully .
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to . As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other .

1. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want .
2. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it .
3. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye .
4. Be engaged at least six months before you get married .
5. Believe in love at first sight .

WOWOWIE Q&A PORTION

These are questions and actual answers of contest participants! 

1. Q: "Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?"
  
    A: "Umiilaw!"

2. Q: "Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao?

    A: "Humanitarian?"

3. Q: "Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga."

    A: "Ninja?"

4. Q: "Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?"

    A: "Sunog!"

5. Q: "Magbigay ng sikat na Willie."

    A: "Willie da pooh!"

Dr. Phil's Test

Below is Dr.Phil's test

(Dr. Phil scored 55, he did this on Oprah and she got 38. )  Some people pay a lot of money to find this out!

 Read on, this is very interesting!
Don't be overly sensitive!

 The following is pretty accurate and it only takes a few minutes.

Take this test for yourself and send it on to your friends..

Don't peek!

Answers are for who you are now and not who you were in the past.

 Have pen or pencil and paper ready.

 

This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today.  It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and in their prospective employees.

When you are finished, forward this

 to friends, family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you.

It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.

 

Ready? Begin.

1. When do you feel your best..

A )  in the morning
B )  during the afternoon and early evening
C )  late at night

 2.  You usually walk..

 A )  fairly fast, with long steps

B )  fairly fast, with little steps

C )  less fast head up, looking the world in the face

D )  less fast, head down

E )  very slowly

 3.  When talking to people you....

 A )  stand with your arms folded

B )  have your hands clasped

C )  have one or both your hands on your hips

D )  touch or push the person to whom you are talking

E )   play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

 4.  When relaxing, you sit with...

 A )   your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

B )  your legs crossed

C )  your legs stretched out or straight

D )  one leg curled under you

 5..  When something really amuses you, you react with....

 A )  big appreciated laugh

B )  a laugh, but not a loud one

C )  a quiet chuckle

D )  a sheepish smile

 6.  When you go to a party or social gathering you....

A )  make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

B )  make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

C )  make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7.   You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted. ...

A )  welcome the break

B )  feel extremely irritated

C )  vary between these two extremes

 8.  Which of the following colours do you like most......

 A )  Red or orange

 B )  black

 C )  yellow or light blue

 D )  green

 E )  dark blue or purple

 F )  white

  )  brown or gray

9.   When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are....

A )  stretched out on your back

B )  stretched out face down on your stomach

C )  on your side, slightly curled

D )  with your head on one arm

E )  with your head under the covers

10.   You often dream that you are....

 A )  falling

B )  fighting or struggling

C )  searching for something or somebody

D )  flying or floating

E )  you usually have dreamless sleep

F )  your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

 

 

1.  (a ) 2     (b ) 4     (c ) 6

2.  (a ) 6     (b ) 4     (c ) 7     (d ) 2     (e ) 1

3.  (a ) 4     (b ) 2     (c ) 5     (d ) 7     (e ) 6

4.  (a ) 4     (b ) 6     (c ) 2     (d ) 1

5.  (a ) 6     (b ) 4     (c ) 3     (d ) 5     (e ) 2

6.  (a ) 6     (b )

 4     (c ) 2

7.  (a ) 6     (b ) 2     (c ) 4

8.  (a ) 6     (b ) 7     (c ) 5     (d ) 4     (e ) 3     (f ) 2     (g ) 1

9.  (a ) 7     (b ) 6     (c ) 4     (d ) 2     (e ) 1

10 (a ) 4    (b ) 2     (c ) 3    (d ) 5     (e ) 6     (f ) 1

Now add up the total number of points.  then click "continue reading" below to view the answer equivalient.

 

Lexmark Strikes Luzon

A targeted recruiting for the following R&D positions will be held at the Ascott Hotel, Makati City this July 10, 2010, Saturday.

• Software Development Engineers
• Firmware Development Engineers
• Mechanical Design Engineers
• Senior Development Engineers (Software, Firmware, Mechanical Design)
• HR Officer/Business Partner

Invite your Luzon-based friends to drop by at the Belgium Function Hall of the Ascott Hotel for onsite submission of resumes/application from 8am-5pm.

More jobs below

Web camera software detects activity, triggers alarm, captures snapshots, records video, and sends captured images by e-mail

Broadcasting online video and audio from capture device
using web camera computer application

Security software

If you find yourself with a need to record surveillance video with a webcam over an area,

webcamera
computer software

may be the right choice for you. Using this application, it is possible to set up a
camera to detect activity and begin recording when it does.

Depending on your needs, the sights and sounds that are picked up by the webcam may be stored on a hard drive, or if the captured video
needs to be accessible off-site, can be broadcast using the server's streaming
feature to a web site.

Depending on the quality of the camera and the viewer's video card, the picture that is recorded may be as clear as a high-definition television signal.
Using a setup like this, it is possible to provide a measure of protection for an area when
the economics of the situation do not justify hiring a security firm or setting up a professional monitoring system.

This

do-it-yourself approach

can save money while not compromising on security.