02 August 2010

THE END IS NEAR

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"


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31 July 2010

Job Vacancy

 POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
 Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

 
JOB DESCRIPTION:

 Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

 
RESPONSIBILITIES:






29 July 2010

BIBLE SALESMAN

A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l- like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"


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28 July 2010

Daddy, It Hurts

This is A TRUE STORY AND IF YOU DON’T PASS THIS ON YOU DON’T HAVE A SOUL!!! 
My name is Chris ,
I am three,
My eyes are swollen..
I cannot see.

I must be stupid,
I must be bad,
What else could have made,
My daddy so mad?

27 July 2010

Top Ten Excuses For Falling Asleep At Your Desk

1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

26 July 2010

40 Years of Marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....



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19 July 2010

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16 July 2010

GIRLS: What were They Thinking?

When a GIRL is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind. 


When a GIRL is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.




When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around.


15 July 2010

Mental Feng Shui: Lotus Touts

 There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious .. This Lotus Touts is from the Anthony Robbins organization . It has been sent around the world ten times so far .

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully .
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to . As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other .

  1. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want .
  2. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it .
  3. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye .
  4. Be engaged at least six months before you get married .
  5. Believe in love at first sight .

14 July 2010

WOWOWIE Q&A PORTION


These are questions and actual answers of contest participants! 

1. Q: "Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?"
  
    A: "Umiilaw!"

2. Q: "Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao?

    A: "Humanitarian?"

3. Q: "Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga."

    A: "Ninja?"

4. Q: "Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?"

    A: "Sunog!"

5. Q: "Magbigay ng sikat na Willie."

    A: "Willie da pooh!"

12 July 2010

Dr. Phil's Test

Below is Dr.Phil's test

(Dr. Phil scored 55, he did this on Oprah and she got 38. )  Some people pay a lot of money to find this out!

 Read on, this is very interesting!
Don't be overly sensitive!
 The following is pretty accurate and it only takes a few minutes.
Take this test for yourself and send it on to your friends..

Don't peek!

Answers are for who you are now and not who you were in the past.

 Have pen or pencil and paper ready.
 
This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today.  It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and in their prospective employees.

When you are finished, forward this
 to friends, family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you.
It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.

 

Ready? Begin.







1. When do you feel your best..

A )  in the morning
B )  during the afternoon and early evening
C )  late at night

 2.  You usually walk..

 A )  fairly fast, with long steps
B )  fairly fast, with little steps
C )  less fast head up, looking the world in the face
D )  less fast, head down
E )  very slowly

 3.  When talking to people you....

 A )  stand with your arms folded
B )  have your hands clasped
C )  have one or both your hands on your hips
D )  touch or push the person to whom you are talking
E )   play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

 4.  When relaxing, you sit with...

 A )   your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
B )  your legs crossed
C )  your legs stretched out or straight
D )  one leg curled under you

 5..  When something really amuses you, you react with....

 A )  big appreciated laugh
B )  a laugh, but not a loud one
C )  a quiet chuckle
D )  a sheepish smile

 6.  When you go to a party or social gathering you....

A )  make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
B )  make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
C )  make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7.   You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted. ...

A )  welcome the break
B )  feel extremely irritated
C )  vary between these two extremes

 8.  Which of the following colours do you like most......

 A )  Red or orange
 B )  black
 C )  yellow or light blue
 D )  green
 E )  dark blue or purple
 F )  white
  )  brown or gray

9.   When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are....

A )  stretched out on your back
B )  stretched out face down on your stomach
C )  on your side, slightly curled
D )  with your head on one arm
E )  with your head under the covers

10.   You often dream that you are....

 A )  falling
B )  fighting or struggling
C )  searching for something or somebody
D )  flying or floating
E )  you usually have dreamless sleep
F )  your dreams are always pleasant



POINTS:

 

 

1.  (a ) 2     (b ) 4     (c ) 6

2.  (a ) 6     (b ) 4     (c ) 7     (d ) 2     (e ) 1

3.  (a ) 4     (b ) 2     (c ) 5     (d ) 7     (e ) 6

4.  (a ) 4     (b ) 6     (c ) 2     (d ) 1

5.  (a ) 6     (b ) 4     (c ) 3     (d ) 5     (e ) 2

6.  (a ) 6     (b )
 4     (c ) 2

7.  (a ) 6     (b ) 2     (c ) 4

8.  (a ) 6     (b ) 7     (c ) 5     (d ) 4     (e ) 3     (f ) 2     (g ) 1

9.  (a ) 7     (b ) 6     (c ) 4     (d ) 2     (e ) 1

10 (a ) 4    (b ) 2     (c ) 3    (d ) 5     (e ) 6     (f ) 1

Now add up the total number of points.  then click "continue reading" below to view the answer equivalient.

 

10 July 2010

Lexmark Strikes Luzon


A targeted recruiting for the following R&D positions will be held at the Ascott Hotel, Makati City this July 10, 2010, Saturday.

  • Software Development Engineers
  • Firmware Development Engineers
  • Mechanical Design Engineers
  • Senior Development Engineers (Software, Firmware, Mechanical Design)
  • HR Officer/Business Partner

Invite your Luzon-based friends to drop by at the Belgium Function Hall of the Ascott Hotel for onsite submission of resumes/application from 8am-5pm.


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More jobs below

07 July 2010

Web camera software detects activity, triggers alarm, captures snapshots, records video, and sends captured images by e-mail

Broadcasting online video and audio from capture device
using web camera computer application


Broadcasting online video and audio from capture card via web camera computer application


Security software

If you find yourself with a need to record surveillance video with a webcam over an area,

webcamera
computer software

may be the right choice for you. Using this application, it is possible to set up a
camera to detect activity and begin recording when it does.

Depending on your needs, the sights and sounds that are picked up by the webcam may be stored on a hard drive, or if the captured video
needs to be accessible off-site, can be broadcast using the server's streaming
feature to a web site.

Depending on the quality of the camera and the viewer's video card, the picture that is recorded may be as clear as a high-definition television signal.
Using a setup like this, it is possible to provide a measure of protection for an area when
the economics of the situation do not justify hiring a security firm or setting up a professional monitoring system.

This

do-it-yourself approach

can save money while not compromising on security.