Dead Love

My spirit was somewhat levitated in mid- air as the bus that we are in cruised the concrete roadbed towards May's hometown. And why not? I was about to ask the hand of the girl who means everything to me from his parents.

"It won't be long now." May teased me with that familiar grin. "We are almost there. So if you have some thoughts to back out, make up your mind now, he- he!" Her face always seems to light up whenever she do that and it never fails to melt my heart all the time..

"Well, you should've not put that shotgun on my rib side in the first place." I retorted as I pulled her close to me. The open window made her hair flow with the wind and it made me gazed at her with amazement. Her hair glowed from the sun's mid- afternoon streak that it almost like as if God sprinkled a thousand tiny stars on them. I pulled her closer to smell that scent which I think was God's distinct gift to women while I gently caressed her soft, almost fragile arm skin.

"I love you." I whispered with a deep exhale of breath.

"I love you." She answered in a voice that is so relaxed and so secured that it almost sounded like a hush. Her eyes closed while saying that as I kissed her tenderly in the forehead.

May and I met by chance in the most awkward way. I was running down the corridor in our school in one rainy day, late for my Psychology class. The pavement had become so slippery that I instantly slipped and went cascading in the wet floor for a meter or so. With dirt all over my jeans and my buttocks numbed by the impact, I struggled to be on my feet not minding other students, which by that time were already looking at me.

I was dusting dirt with my pale hand when suddenly someone voiced "Here. You can use this instead."

It was a girl, handing out her handkerchief to me. About five feet three inches in height, her long hair hang maybe a foot below her shoulder and she got the sweetest smile I've ever seen in my entire life. Her grin was so soothing and contagious that it was impossible not to smile back. Right there and then, I knew I have found the woman I was born to love forever.

Since then a day would not be complete without May. She had these fascinating traits that will make a man fall in love with her over and over again. Her sweetness and kindness are the ones that touched me most. Especially when she praises my clay sculptures. It made me believe that I can be somebody someday. Those compliments made me strive more in my studies and work hard to become the best in my class. There were no dull moments with May. Its maybe because she got this charming sense of humor that didn't ever fell short on making me lighter inside during a bad mood or a problematic situation. She's a teaser too. Sometimes, it made me crazy (I'm talking sarcastic) when she's doing what she liked best to do to me-- biting my ear. I get very irritated for a moment but afterwards we'll be together laughing with our stomach out.

"God! I love this crazy woman." I would always say as I reach out to hug her tight. Even during dates, peanuts and a single pale of large coke will do for us. After all, it's the warmth of personal closeness and attachment that counts. We will just substitute all the fun with laughter.

The most unforgettable experience I had with May is that when she decided for the first time that she will make love to me. We were almost six months together then. It was in my dormitory in one of that stormy, rainy night. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever given me and I know I will cherish it for the rest of my life. Well, I had made love to some women before but May was different. Aside from being physically attractive, May is the first woman (and maybe the last) that I had in bed which I'm truly, madly, deeply in- love with. I couldn't imagine the sensation I felt that time. And I had no other outlet to manifest that feeling but to cry. We both wept for about two minutes before we pick ourselves and started to spoke.

"I love you. Thank you for giving me this gift. I know this is wrong but.."

"Shhh..." May patted my lips with her index finger. "Don't say that. We are in love, right? How can it be wrong if we did it out of love? It's the society that made it wrong. Its taboo rules are the ones that made it wrong. When everything falls down and all turn to pieces, its love that all that matters, Ron. It's all that matters today, And it's all that will matter forever." Her wide- mindedness and sense liberalism made me even admire her more.

When we graduated, May, a social worker was assigned in a town in the north side while I stayed in Cebu as an advertising strategist in an Advertising company. We just see each other once or twice weekly and it made me missed her a lot. This longing made me decide that we should get married already.

She was standing in front of the main passage of Ayala center when I approached her. She had never changed. The same old lady that I can risk of going to hell just to defend.

Without a warning, and with all the awe of all the passersby, I kneel with my right knee in front of her opening the box in my hand which contained the diamond ring that I laid- away in my friend's pawnshop for about six months.

"Will you risk spending your whole life with me?" I asked in very nervous voice. I know this is a turning point in our lives and any answer from May's mouth would change our lives forever. "I can't promise you all the things that money can buy, but I can promise you this: I will love you as long as I live."

I didn't expect what May did next. She reached my hand, made me get up, and hugged me-- crying! "Yes, I will... I will!" She said in between sobs. People around us clapped. They had witnessed a good show.

My reminiscence was cut short by the shouts of the other passengers. And reality faced me-- A ten- wheeler cargo truck appeared to be out of control and is heading towards the bus that we were riding and was about to collide with it! Terror enveloped my mind but in a quarter of a second there's only one thing that I was thinking-- to secure May!

I suddenly grasped May but before I can shield my body on her, the two vehicles have collided, its impact tossing us hurling from our seats. Darkness envelops me thereafter.

When I woke up, May's father was in my side. I had a broken arm and my head was bandaged. "I'm glad you woke up". Her father uttered. "May is waiting for you."

Even still very weak, I struggled to see May which was in Intensive Care Unit. Her skull was fractured and there was a lump of steel in her lungs, the doctor later said. I almost died myself seeing May suffer. Though I crumbled inside, I still tried so hard to be strong because I know that's what May wants me to. She can still speak and we talked slowly for quite a time before I was sent back to my room to rest. She was still full of compassion and charm even with the situation she had. She was worried about my head when in fact she was the one who has more damage than I am. I don't know if I can handle that selfless way that May was having. She was extraordinary.

The next morning, I rose and see that May's brothers were around me. All faces were gloomy. Before May's eldest sibling has begun to spoke, I knew May has already left me forever. Her family was already living for hours with the devastating knowledge that their precious only- one girl was dead.

In the Intensive care Unit, her parents were sitting in inexpressible grief beside their dead daughter's body. They touched her in disbelief. Her father was in tears, asking why he had not been taken since he is the one old.

I do not know what was worst. Her parents were totally shattered. Jim, his best- pal brother, wandered around in tearful disbelief. Paul, who was later supposed to play for his junior basketball team in a championship game, suddenly lost forever his most faithful fan. Never before had I experienced grief so physically tangible that it made me nauseated and light- headed.

Then I was alone with her. And the truth finally penetrated. I bawled like a baby, embracing May's corpse hoping my warm arms can rose her up from death. "I'm sorry." I said weeping heavily. "I haven't been able to defend you. This worthless person has not done anything to save you! I'm sorry! Hu- hu- hu!" But to no vain. I took her cold hands in mine. They were clinched in final resistance. Golden hands, I thought. She was a gifted Social worker. She had warmed other people's hearts, given poor children toys, helped those hopeless people in the hinterlands. Those were the hands that cooked the finest beef steaks I've ever tasted too. The hands that came to stand beside me and always in my shoulders everytime I encountered adversities in life.

Five days later, We made a quite funeral for May. All the people who loved her were there. Her friends, even in far places had come too. We spoke one by one on how we terribly missed her before finally laying her beside her grandmother's tomb. When it was my turn to speak, I had asked all of May's brothers for their most special memory of May. As I related all the memories and anecdotes, and as Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" played in the air, I saw the tear- stained faces smiling tenderly. May had been one of a kind. I also asked forgiveness to the whole family for not being able to save May. "But I still feel fortunate for I have kissed her seconds before the accident happened. And I will carry that distinctive memory forever as long as I lived."

Before we left, I put a standing clay sculpture on top of her grave. I know she liked it very much. I looked at the beautiful face in the picture frame beaming back at me. She will never become older than this
lightly- sunburned, smiling lady in the high summer of her life.

May was gone. Physically, that is. Because in my heart and in the hearts of those who loved her, she will always have a place to live. Her life will never be forgotten. Her memories will always linger. And by thinking of those sweet cherished memories again, May will be there again-- With me. Laughing and smiling as she always does, making jokes, teasing me and loving me. Yes, I know she will always be with me.

In that short talk that we had in the evening before she died, May asked me a question. "Will you love me for the rest of my life, Ron?" Her voice was very thin and fatigued, but still managed to say the words in a sweet manner.

"No... I won't." I answered May with obvious pain inside me, my tears slowly blinding my sight, but I managed to force myself on smiling. "...Because I will love you for the rest of mine."