REASON WHY MEN LIE

Ito DAW ang alamat kung bakit nagsisinungaling ang mga lalaki.

Karpintero itong si Jojo. Isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang bahay sa
tabi ng ilog. Sa lakas ng pagmamartilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo niya sa ilog. umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian angel niya. "tutulungan kita, Jojo" sabay lundag sa ilog.

Lumabas ito na may hawak na gold hammer, "ito ba ang martilyo mo?" "hindi po". Lundag ulit ang anghel at lumitaw na me silver hammer, "ito ba"? "hindi po". Lundag uli sa ilog ang anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer, "ito ba"? "opo". Natuwa ang anghel, "dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa 'yo na rin ang gold and silver hammer".

Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Jojo sa ilog at kasama ang misis niya. Sa katangahan, nalaglag si misis sa ilog. Umiyak si Jojo. Lumitaw si guardian angel, "tutulungan kita" sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw at kasama si Paris Hilton, "ito ba ang misis mo?". "Opo", sagot ni Jojo. Nagalit si anghel, "sinungaling ka. Akala ko pa naman mabait ka". Nag- reason-out si Jojo, "sorry po,angel. Kasi kapag sinabi kong 'Hindi', eh lulundag ka uli sa tubig at pag-litaw mo eh kasama mo si Jessica Simpson, at pag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko eh lulundag ka ulit at ang tunay na misis ko na ang kasama mo. At dahil sa kabaitan ko eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Paris at Jessica.Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una.

*Moral of the story: kaya lang naman nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki eh for
a good and noble reason.*

Filipino Names- Naturalized US Citizen

 Macario Maldonado - Mac Donald

 Remegio Batungbacal - Remington Steel

 Victoria Malihim - Victoria Secret

 Bienvenido Jurado - Ben Hur

 Juanito Lakarin - Johnny Walker

 Federico Hagibis - Federal Express

 Esteban Magtaka - Stevie Wonder

 Jaime Bondoc - James Bond

 Leon Mangubat - Tiger Woods

 Eleuterio Ignacio - Electronic Ignition

 Burgus Bahag-Hari - Burger King

 Kasimiro Bukaykay - Cashmere Bouquet

 Maria Calas - Mary Kay

 Rogelio Dagdagan - Roger Moore

 Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun

 Restituto Pruto - Tutti Frutti

 Samuel Tampipi - Sam Sonite

 Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease

 Alfonso De Asis - Alzheimer Disease

 Francisco Portero - Frank Porter

 Diosdado Durante - Deo Dorant

 Roberto Controlado - Bert Control

 Marcelo Controlado - Muscle Control

 Carpio Llanes - Carpool Lanes

Julia Domingo - Holy Sunday

 Maria Pascua - Mary Christmas

 Ligaya Anonuevo - Happy New Year

 Ligaya Almundo - Joy To The World

Breasts for $10, 000.00

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?"
"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again."Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite your breasts for 10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm 10,000 dollars eh? OK, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there" So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and start caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them... but no biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Too expensive"

The 47 Year-Old Lady

A middle aged women decides to have a face-lift for her birthday.
She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The
woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about
herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she
proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the
same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a
woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put
my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you
are."

Honest Mistake

A DINNER CONVERSATION THAT WENT WRONG

WIFE: "If I died first, would you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Shittt."

Miss Universe

Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion

The FINALISTS :

• Miss America
• Miss Spain
• Miss Britain
• Miss Philippines
• Miss Iran
• Miss India
• Miss Japan

QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. AMERICA : Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA : Because it stands everytime it sees a woman.....

(Applause!.... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. SPAIN : Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN : Because it charges everytime it sees an opening.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors and Heroes.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because it cries after every performance and because it is buried alive.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. INDIA : Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA : Because it works day and night....

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Japan, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MISS JAPAN: It's like an actor in a stage play....because it bows down after every performance.

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, opcors, hihihihi...I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its ano, ahh kuwan...it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS.PHILIPPINES : Ayy...Dyahe!!!!Hi hi hi hi hi hi...Kasi....I mean because it passes from mouth to mouth..

(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

GERMAN - JAPANESE - AMERICAN

Three men, one German, one Japanese, and a Kano were sitting naked in a sauna. 

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, 'he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."


The Kano felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Kano finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

DEAR TECH SUPPORT

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had performed flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled other programs like Romance 9.9 and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer works and Housecleaning 2.6 crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix the problems, but it hasn't worked.

Sincerely,
Desperate


Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment program, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2.

Husband 1.0 should automatically run Guilt 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

Be aware, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is particularly bad and can create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. They are not supported and will crash Husband 1.0.

Husband 1.0 is a good package, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

To enhance performance, you might want to try HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Tech Support

CODED MESSAGE

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Abe Cohen took one look at it and replied:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."

THE END IS NEAR

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

BIBLE SALESMAN

A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l- like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

WOWOWIE Q&A PORTION

These are questions and actual answers of contest participants! 

1. Q: "Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?"
  
    A: "Umiilaw!"

2. Q: "Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao?

    A: "Humanitarian?"

3. Q: "Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga."

    A: "Ninja?"

4. Q: "Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?"

    A: "Sunog!"

5. Q: "Magbigay ng sikat na Willie."

    A: "Willie da pooh!"

WHO THE HELL?!

Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were having lunch together.

Shrek said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?"

Brad Pitt said, "I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've never had it confermed."

Jennifer Lopez agreed, I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but sometimes I wonder."

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to appproach the wicked Queen's mirror to conferm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet agian the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true.The mirror told me that I'm the strongest man in the world."

Jennifer Lopez followed and boasted, "It is true, it has been confirmed that I am the sexiest woman alive!!!"

Brad Pitt walked in, head bent, tears in his eyes and asked,

"who the hell is Edger Cabunillas?"