DEAR TECH SUPPORT

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had performed flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled other programs like Romance 9.9 and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer works and Housecleaning 2.6 crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix the problems, but it hasn't worked.

Sincerely,
Desperate


Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment program, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2.

Husband 1.0 should automatically run Guilt 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

Be aware, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is particularly bad and can create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. They are not supported and will crash Husband 1.0.

Husband 1.0 is a good package, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

To enhance performance, you might want to try HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Tech Support

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.   

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar  He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.   

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."   

CODED MESSAGE

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Abe Cohen took one look at it and replied:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."

THE END IS NEAR

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Job Vacancy

 POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
 Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

  JOB DESCRIPTION:

 Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

  RESPONSIBILITIES:

BIBLE SALESMAN

A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l- like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

Daddy, It Hurts

This is A TRUE STORY AND IF YOU DON’T PASS THIS ON YOU DON’T HAVE A SOUL!!! 

My name is Chris ,
I am three,
My eyes are swollen..
I cannot see.

I must be stupid,
I must be bad,
What else could have made,
My daddy so mad?

Top Ten Excuses For Falling Asleep At Your Desk

1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

40 Years of Marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

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GIRLS: What were They Thinking?

When a GIRL is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind. 

When a GIRL is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.

When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around.

Mental Feng Shui: Lotus Touts

 There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious .. This Lotus Touts is from the Anthony Robbins organization . It has been sent around the world ten times so far .

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully .
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to . As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other .

1. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want .
2. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it .
3. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye .
4. Be engaged at least six months before you get married .
5. Believe in love at first sight .

WOWOWIE Q&A PORTION

These are questions and actual answers of contest participants! 

1. Q: "Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?"
  
    A: "Umiilaw!"

2. Q: "Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao?

    A: "Humanitarian?"

3. Q: "Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga."

    A: "Ninja?"

4. Q: "Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?"

    A: "Sunog!"

5. Q: "Magbigay ng sikat na Willie."

    A: "Willie da pooh!"